A million-dollar house that’s impossible to dust off

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For the first time in my adult life, I have an outdoor space attached to my living space. I knew it would be nice to have a little outdoor space to yourself, but I didn’t realize how nice it was. Now I carry my morning coffee to the small patio. I take my smoothie there too. I put on a sweater if I’m too cold. I imagine hanging lights here once I learn how to drill a masonry screw into the wall. Right now, as I write this blog, I’m sitting here in the shade, feeling the breeze, watching my dog ​​who is knocked down like a little cow.

Where I grew up, on the prairie under a big Texas sky, the outdoors was oppressive most of the year. I never understood the desire to go out into nature. I would never have sat outside with a hot drink and a sweater. It was unfathomable. The only outdoor amenity I craved growing up was a swimming pool.

Everyone I knew with an integrated swimming pool was the target of my desires. I wanted one so badly. I don’t even like swimming. I just wanted the option of being outdoors and not miserable. For me, having a swimming pool was the real sign of wealth. It was the goal. It was the dream. Now you couldn’t convince me that a swimming pool was worth it. The amount of maintenance a swimming pool needs is beyond my capabilities, and the thought of fishing leaves from my swimming pool every day hurts my shoulders.

That said, the sight of a swimming pool still tests my belief. I want to sit in the beautiful pools. I love them. When I opened the Zillow link sent by Lance, I saw the beautiful pool in it and at first thought this house was too good for me to cover. It looked like a fancy million dollar house in Miami; it’s not interesting at all. Phew, I was wrong.

This week’s house is four bedrooms, four bathrooms and just under 2000 square feet. It’s a nice big house. It is listed for exactly $1,000,000. It’s in Miami. According to the listing, it is “near the Wynwood/Midtown area.” I went to this neighborhood once for a very fun night out, but otherwise I know very little about it, so I asked Defector’s resident Florida experts Diana Moskovitz and Luis Paez-Pumar.

Luis told me, “Wynwood is like the ‘cool’ neighborhood the same way Williamsburg is the ‘cool’ neighborhood, if that helps.” That helps. Thanks Luis. Diana agreed, providing a little more context. “Wynwood is where a lot of artists used to live, but someone told me all the artists are now overpriced,” she said.

Like everywhere in the United States, the housing market in Miami is ridiculous. People give up on inspections. They buy cash. This house certainly looks like the kind of house that… uh… someone who’s done a lot of cash shopping for various unspeakable goods might own.

Let’s go inside, shall we?

Screenshot: Zillow

Oh. Wow. Here we are. All right, let’s take it one item at a time. Obviously, we’ll start with the stuffed tigers. It’s such a stupid thing for an adult to buy for their home, but who am I to judge? I always complain in this column that no one has personal taste and so I have to respect many of these decisions even if I wouldn’t make them personally. The walls are the most confusing part for me. They appear to be plastered over or covered in some kind of crumpled fabric. Imagine any stain on this wall. What a nightmare.

The ceiling reminds me of pop-up bars that are themed around things like “Alice in Wonderland” or “Christmas”. I have the same question about this lounge that I have about these bars: how the hell can you dust that? My house has a lot of dust because I have a lot of stuff and also a dog that sheds a ton of hair every day. I can’t imagine how dusty these flowers would get. A million dollars to live in a dust storm. No thanks!

The sofa, however, I love. Circular sofas are very luxurious to me because they indicate that you have a giant living room. I also like the mantel, although I don’t know why you need a fireplace in Miami. Let’s move on.

Screenshot: Zillow

Another room, another animal print rug. To each his own. This dining room is a bit small considering the size of the sofa. The table, in particular, is too small. And there are too many (very soft) bar stools at this counter. I understand the desire for extra seating, believe me. But people need space to use their utensils! They need space for a water glass and a wine glass. You can’t just smash everyone together all the time.

The kitchen also looks a little weird. Let’s go closer.

Screenshot: Zillow

My first concern here is the size of this window. Why is it so short? Why does it look like it was designed for a much smaller home? Couldn’t this window be extended all the way to the ceiling to make the house seem bigger? Seems to me that might do it.

This kitchen is mostly faultless despite the somewhat cheap and barn-like floors. What confuses me is that this kitchen looks like the kind of kitchen you might find in a knocked down condo. It’s boring. It’s lifeless. Even the backsplash (which looks like a cool green tile) is overshadowed by the lack of lighting to show it off. Compared to the living room, the kitchen seems like a place the owners hated. He received neither love nor attention.

Here’s another piece that no one really liked:

Screenshot: Zillow

I guess it’s possible that the owners were only designing one piece at a time, but that piece doesn’t make much sense to me either. It has elements of personal taste (the odd round cushion seat, velor blankets and pillows) but there’s an overwhelming blandness to the room. These people went to a mid-range luxury hotel, saw their room decor, and said, “yes.” Maybe it’s because there’s nothing hanging on the white walls. Or maybe it’s the towels crossed over the bed like a resort that’s turning me off. After the drama of the first play, I guess my hopes were up.

Here is the main bathroom:

Screenshot: Zillow

This shower is so big. The shower alone is as big as my entire bathroom in our old apartment. Seems a little unnecessary to me, but it looks good. Again with the all beige and white color palate. Do you think there were two people living here, one of whom was fun loving and the other might have constant migraines if forced to live in exciting rooms? It seems the only reasonable option.

Here is the next room!

Screenshot: Zillow

ANOTHER TIGER AND BABY TIGER!? Another Moroccan pouf? Wait. Are these the same accessories from the living room moved into this room? Is it the same plant in the bathroom? Hmm. I don’t know what to believe.

What I do know is that the fabric is not cheap and there is so much fabric. The swooping drape of the fabric is like living in a tent, which I love, but I feel like an overhead fan is a minimum requirement during Florida summers and this piece doesn’t have only fans, if it has air conditioning ducts, they are covered with fabric. I don’t imagine the curtain tent and many rugs would stay in this room after the owners moved out, which is honestly not fair. I can’t see the piece to get a good read of its shape with all that fabric in the way, so I should be able to keep the tent. And tigers, while we’re at it.

Here is the bathroom connected to this room:

Screenshot: Zillow

Do you see now, why am I confused? This bathroom, frankly, sucks. Here we have the same size shower in a much smaller room where everything else is in the way! This sink is piled so far into the corner that I can already feel the pain radiating through my elbow after slamming it against that doorknob trying to wash my hands.

Let’s go to this:

Screenshot: Zillow

I’ve never seen a house that screams I WAS RENTED ON AIRBNB TO A GROUP OF 25 YEAR OLDS WITH TOO MUCH MONEY WHO NEED A PLACE TO DO DRUGS FOR THE WEEKEND as loud as this place. The two beds in a room with curtains between them convinced me that it’s not personal taste as much as it’s a bang for the buck. However, I find it really fun to have this wallpaper on the ceiling and on the walls. It kind of makes the room feel huge and elegant. I’m starting to believe there’s one tiger per bed, which means it would be really, really easy for me to just get one tiger as a gift for my time.

Okay, in the next room:

Screenshot: Zillow

Even this wild design style gets repetitive after a while I guess. Also, do these people own a Joann Fabrics franchise?

Following!

Screenshot: Zillow

I really don’t like the fact that these curtains don’t match. I tried for several minutes to convince myself that everything was fine, but it was not. This is a common design failure when people try to use exciting wallpaper. Maximalism (which you basically have to commit to with a wallpaper like this) doesn’t require you to match all your colors. In fact, it discourages him. Using the same coral and dark teal wallpaper night wallpaper cool! Imagine if instead the other walls were painted a dark emerald and the ceiling had a pretty rose pattern on it and everything else was just chosen to look good. It would be better.

The flamingo itself, I’m afraid, but respect.

Let’s go outside:

Screenshot: Zillow

Now that’s the million dollar home life. I love this. The stone patio is beautiful and seems to be very warm. I love shade because I’m a pale baby who’ll burn the second the sun graces my terrible skin. I also love that there is this long dining area separate from the pool. It’s like an outdoor dining room!

The pool itself looks really blue and lovely. Let’s look on the other side.

Screenshot: Zillow

NOPE! NOPE! No no no no no no no no. Spear, why? Why did you force me to see this? My eyes! They hurt!

Here I thought I was looking at a perfectly pretty (really lovely) waterfall pool with mosaic tiles and two giant egg-shaped chairs that were super comfy when suddenly I was compelled to see this terrible fresco! Not only is it badly painted with not enough contrast, but it’s also badly proportioned! I don’t like the content. I don’t like the execution. I don’t like that some weird patio furniture was placed at the base to somehow censor it.

It’s time for me to take my leave and go back to staring at the beautiful white walls of my terrace until my brain goes numb and this image can be squeezed out of my subconscious forever.

This home has been on the market for 41 days. If you buy it, don’t invite me to the creepy party you’re having, but send me one of the stuffed tigers.


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